My Destiny

I’m trapped.

I will never be free,

this is my destiny.

Once upon a time,

I was a little girl,

with a ghost who molested me.

I grew up not knowing,

if I was pure and clean.

I finally had the courage to tell my mother,

but she didn’t believe me,

so I ran away and got married.

I was young and naive,

I let him control me.

Now I woke up and want be free,

but he won’t let me be free.

I’m trapped,

I’ll never be free,

this is my destiny.

 

photo credit: Pinterest

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Emotionally Drowning

I’m so sad,
I feel like crying.
I get these mood swings,
where I get anxiety.

My chest hurts,
that I can’t breathe.
I want to isolate myself,
from society.

The pain is so deep,
that I feel that I’m drowning.
I swim harder and harder everyday,
but there is much pain inside my brain.
No doctor exist that can’t help me,
I must stay strong,
because my kids need me,
I must get out if this stage,
I know it’s just a phase.

 

photo credit: google images

My mom was a Drug Lord

There I was parked in front of my local police station.  I could see people go in and out of the building. I was just sitting in my car crying because I was angry with the world. Should I go in and tell them everything I know.  I was heart broken and I was a teenager, sixteen years of age, to be exact.

I had just gained the courage to tell my mother that my uncle had molested me when I was younger. She didn’t believe me. She was hardly a mother because she was never home watching me.  She was more like a financial provider because she was a single mom. My grandma was the one always taking care of me, I never had a bound with my mother.

I was angry with her because she never had time for me, she was always working. I had made a discovery that she was a drug dealer. She still had her regular full time job and then at night she would supervise the drugs that were being transported into the United States.

I wanted to tell the police that my mom was doing something illegal because I was mad at her for not believing me.

To Be Continued……..

photo credit: https://wall.alphacoders.com/big.php?i=692169

Can you hear your thoughts?

I can hear my inner thoughts.  My mind is trying to fall into depression again because I had a relapse of emotions I had stored inside me.  I sound like a drug addict. I’m trying so hard to be optimistic and keep going but when your gas company comes and shuts off your gas because you didn’t have money to pay last months bill, it’s very difficult to see the bright side of things. I have kids that depend on me and I can’t even provide them a warm shower.

Due to his decisions of not being a man to support his family financially, all of us have to pay. I bring in my share of income which is a half of our entire income but when he became lazy and didn’t want to go back to work, his lack of income hurt us financially. We are behind our rent. We just had one of cars repossessed last month. This is almost rock bottom. Rock bottom is death.

My mind is trying to convince me that the only way out of this mess is killing myself. I try not to listen to my inner thoughts because it’s not fair for my kids. Yes, they will somewhat financially stable because I do have a good life insurance but what’s if I don’t die. I will cause pain to my family but sometimes sacrifices have to be done.

I’m trying to better myself so hopefully I can earn more money but everything takes time. Please don’t judge my inner thoughts, I can’t control what I feel.

Photo credit: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.ndtv.com/health/brain-map-to-help-decode-inner-thoughts-1400450%3Famp%3D1%26akamai-rum%3Doff

My Breakdown

After two years of fighting, my mind fell into depression.  I didn’t realize how a metal illness can suck the life out of you. It was a battle I had to face because I couldn’t function anymore. I did the bare minimum to keep afloat. I didn’t care about anything, I had no joy  anymore. I would wake up to take kids to school and go back to sleep until it was time to pick them up. I stopped socializing with my family and just wanted to be left alone in my room.

My husband finally told me that I needed to go the hospital because he can see that I needed professional help. I didn’t want to argue so I went. I had lost the biggest battle and I just felt like a failure in life. I hated him, I was being forced to be in a marriage that I hated. The hospital kept me overnight because there was no psychiatrist available until the morning.

I was scared. I was given a small room with my bed but everyone else was in this big room laying in recliners. Was I going crazy? Did they keep me because they feel that I’m a danger to myself? All these thoughts were going through my head.

to be continued……

 

photo credit: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/teens/when-we-break-our-promises.html%3Famp%3D1