My mom was a Drug Lord

There I was parked in front of my local police station.  I could see people go in and out of the building. I was just sitting in my car crying because I was angry with the world. Should I go in and tell them everything I know.  I was heart broken and I was a teenager, sixteen years of age, to be exact.

I had just gained the courage to tell my mother that my uncle had molested me when I was younger. She didn’t believe me. She was hardly a mother because she was never home watching me.  She was more like a financial provider because she was a single mom. My grandma was the one always taking care of me, I never had a bound with my mother.

I was angry with her because she never had time for me, she was always working. I had made a discovery that she was a drug dealer. She still had her regular full time job and then at night she would supervise the drugs that were being transported into the United States.

I wanted to tell the police that my mom was doing something illegal because I was mad at her for not believing me.

To Be Continued……..

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Can you hear your thoughts?

I can hear my inner thoughts.  My mind is trying to fall into depression again because I had a relapse of emotions I had stored inside me.  I sound like a drug addict. I’m trying so hard to be optimistic and keep going but when your gas company comes and shuts off your gas because you didn’t have money to pay last months bill, it’s very difficult to see the bright side of things. I have kids that depend on me and I can’t even provide them a warm shower.

Due to his decisions of not being a man to support his family financially, all of us have to pay. I bring in my share of income which is a half of our entire income but when he became lazy and didn’t want to go back to work, his lack of income hurt us financially. We are behind our rent. We just had one of cars repossessed last month. This is almost rock bottom. Rock bottom is death.

My mind is trying to convince me that the only way out of this mess is killing myself. I try not to listen to my inner thoughts because it’s not fair for my kids. Yes, they will somewhat financially stable because I do have a good life insurance but what’s if I don’t die. I will cause pain to my family but sometimes sacrifices have to be done.

I’m trying to better myself so hopefully I can earn more money but everything takes time. Please don’t judge my inner thoughts, I can’t control what I feel.

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My Breakdown

After two years of fighting, my mind fell into depression.  I didn’t realize how a metal illness can suck the life out of you. It was a battle I had to face because I couldn’t function anymore. I did the bare minimum to keep afloat. I didn’t care about anything, I had no joy  anymore. I would wake up to take kids to school and go back to sleep until it was time to pick them up. I stopped socializing with my family and just wanted to be left alone in my room.

My husband finally told me that I needed to go the hospital because he can see that I needed professional help. I didn’t want to argue so I went. I had lost the biggest battle and I just felt like a failure in life. I hated him, I was being forced to be in a marriage that I hated. The hospital kept me overnight because there was no psychiatrist available until the morning.

I was scared. I was given a small room with my bed but everyone else was in this big room laying in recliners. Was I going crazy? Did they keep me because they feel that I’m a danger to myself? All these thoughts were going through my head.

to be continued……


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Words are Powerful!

I had an ugly argument with my husband via text. He was at work and I was home. I told him that I will no longer tell him how I feel because it makes our situation worse. Ironically people say, the truth will set you free. Not in my situation, the truth hurt him and he was not capable of digesting my feelings.

I had asked him many times that I want to file divorce and he would just ignore me. He thought I was going through a phase and that I would change my mind. It took me almost two years to make this decision, he didn’t want to accept my request.

I lived with many step dad’s so I wanted to keep a healthy relationship with him because I wanted him to be around his kids.  Now, I see why Angelina and Brad Pitt had to end their relationship so ugly.  Sometimes you must just pull the trigger because it’s unhealthy for the kids to be in this type of toxis environment.

About a half an hour later, I get a call from him that he doesn’t feel well. I ignored him because I was mad.  I call this behavior a “tantrum”. He wants my attention any way he can get it and I had enough. An hour later, I begin to receive phone calls from weird numbers. I do not answer my phone anymore because we were getting bombarded with collection calls.

I finally get a text from his phone saying that they are trying to reach me because my husband had a medical emergency.  I called back and the coworker answers and explains that my husband was having difficulty breathing and they had to call 911.  I sounded cold, I knew this was not a real emergency, he gave himself an anxiety attack because I was ignoring him. I told coworker that I will meet him in the hospital.

On my way there, I couldn’t believe what he had done.  I felt no empathy for him, I knew for a fact that he wasn’t having a heart attack but again I had to keep my emotions inside to avoid this situation from getting worse. I needed to show support and just be there with him. This is a very difficult day for me because I needed to fake it in order to make it.  I realized that words are so powerful that they can hurt someone so much that they break down physically.  Lesson learned, don’t be too honest in life because some people are not capable of handling the truth.


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The Now

7E5F9784-9D05-4095-8778-1DE49E85831BEvery day I wake up and I give myself a pep talk. You got this. You can’t cry because that will not make situation better. I talk to myself a lot because I’m the only person who understands me.

I’ve been going through a tough marriage for a couple of years now and I finally decided that I will no longer make any dramatic change in my relationship status it’s not going to make my situation better.

He loves me unconditionally but I’m too hurt to love anyone at this time. I’m a big advocate of not letting a man take advantage of woman, and here I am, doing nothing about my relationship. I feel like I have to put my feelings aside and make the best out of my situation. I know there are other woman like me out there because I’ve spoken to them.  We are all afraid of the unknown.

I decided to do something about improving myself. I’m going back to school to pursue my dreams.  I’m taking this one step at a time. School has always been my passion but I neglected because again of my relationship.

I married someone very possessive and he didn’t support me to improve myself.  He likes to control every move and who I interact with. He fears losing me therefore he thought that if he could keep me in this bubble, I would never wake up. When you are young, you think that’s love. Eventually you mature and realize that is not life. Life is too short and no one should ever control you that way.

I lost many friends and I pushed my own family away because I thought it was better.  I’m slowly getting close to my mom and creating new friendships.  These are relationships that I needed to help me get through this part of my life. Let’s all live in the NOW!


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